Today marks the official day my second first author publication "Proteome-wide non-cleavable crosslink identification with MS Annika 3.0 reveals the structure of the C. elegans Box C/D complex" finally got accepted. Needless to say that I am beyond happy and I am also not gonna be humble today and say that I am really, really proud of myself!
It's been a little bit more than one and a half years of working on this project now and if I had to describe it in a single word it would be "passion". I was super motivated to work on this problem pretty much right from the start and I would say that it was the most fun and best work I have done in my academic carreer so far. But in some ways it was also one of the worst things for my personal life.
Motivation
I learned that motivation can drive one to the greatest greats, but it can also destroy you. Motivation very much is a double edged sword that needs to be controlled. Over the course of this project my motivation led me to more and more often push myself to my own limits, I did things that I never thought I was capable of, walked the extra mile for the smallest chances of improval even when I told myself that it wasn't worth the effort. Not because anyone expected it of me or wanted me to do it, no, but simply because my own expectations of myself kept growing and growing and my unhealthy strive for perfection further fueled that. I saw myself working after office hours and on weekends, when I wasn't working I tought about work, redid code in my head, contemplated alternative solutions. Oh and it was fun, I enjoyed the challenges, figuring out something always triggered new dopamine highs and I kept chasing them. But on the other hand it was also super exhausting and I recognized too late how much it consumed me. I could not not think of work anymore without actively distracting myself and keeping my brain occupied in some other way. I knew it was unhealthy and yet I ignored the stop signs and continued. Sometimes it felt like an addiction, I knew I shouldn't but sitting down and writing out what was on my brain was the only way to get some relieve. I somehow managed to forget how to unwind and relax. My stress levels were constantly high from pressure that I myself created, I felt overwhelmed, anxious and often physically unwell. Most importantly I slowly started to realize the thin line I was walking between burning for something and burning out from something.
Even though this project is more or less over now and I am definitely feeling better, what still remains is unlearning all the unhealthy habits. Trying to go back to normal, whatever that may turn out to be. It's going to be a long and hard task, probably even harder than anything I did previously. And yet I try to only look back at this time grateful, I have learned and grown so much as a researcher, but even more as a person, figuring out things about myself that I otherwise maybe never would have.
Bottom line
It sounds dumb, but in the end I guess you really have to almost crash to realize it's time to hit the breaks, to realize that less is more, and to realize that sometimes you really just gotta take a chill pill. Start saying "no" to things when your plate is already full (note to self). Put yourself, your mental health and well being first (also note to self). Plus really make sure that if you enjoy something that it also gives you energy, and if not, find something that balances it out.
Last but not least the biggest help is always going to be having someone to talk to (insert Talk Tuah joke here for comedic relieve). Having family, friends or even a therapist to vent to and understand the situation and ultimately yourself truly is the greatest gift! I am eternaly thankful to everyone who supported and supports me in whichever way!
Anyway, that's all I got to share for today. Thanks for coming to my TED talk! 😉
Also, if you have any tipps on how to properly seperare work and personal life or what helps you to unwind - I am all ears!